The Bad Beginning According to Google Translate
by Goldie Roth
Summary: What happens when the dialogue from The Bad Beginning is fed through Google Translate, and then the characters attempt to understand each other? My first Fanfic. (Rated K-plus in case Google Translate makes it more violent than it was originally). Chapter Four is up.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

**This is my first FanFiction, but it's not meant to be serious. I plan to do more ASOUE stories in the future, but I had a burst of inspiration, so I'm doing this one now.**

**All the dialogue in this story has been through multiple rounds of Google Translate. It was originally the same dialogue as what you'd find in The Bad Beginning, but it is almost unrecognizable now.  
><strong>**The idea came from someone who did a similar thing with the movie _Frozen_. I thought it would be funny to do it with ASOUE, so I did.**

**(Only the dialogue has been translated. All the narration was added after to fit the dialogue).**

**Disclaimer: A Series of Unfortunate Events belongs to Lemony Snicket, not me.**

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><p><strong>The Bad Beginning According to Google Translate<strong>

**Chapter One**

I am sorry to tell you that the story you are about to read is very, very unfortunate. In addition to being unfortunate, it is also very, very confusing. You see, all the dialogue from this story has been fed through Google Translate, numerous times, in numerous languages. This makes for an odd, disjointed story, with people saying irrelevant words and claiming to be a whole lot of things, such as the definition of "dead" – and worse.  
>So please, save yourself the pain of reading a mangled story with odd characters, and read something happy instead, such as a pleasant story about ducklings.<p>

But you are still reading, so I suppose I should get on with the story.

This story opens at Briny Beach, where it was a boring gloomy day. The only people at the beach were three children, whose names were Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire.  
>I will spare you the usual introduction on how Violet is an inventor, and Klaus loves to read, and how sharp Sunny's teeth are, because I am sure you already know them well. You are probably only reading this for its humor value, and because the humor only begins when there is dialogue, the usual introduction is humorless.<p>

So I will begin the story as Sunny makes a loud and oddly capitalized exclamation.

"GAKK!" Sunny shouted, over and over again. Her shouting attracted Klaus's attention, who looked around to see the gray figure of a person walking through the mist.

"Look at this," said Klaus, pointing at the figure.  
>Violet wasn't interested, and instead showed Klaus her new hairstyle. "What do you think?" she asked.<br>"I do not know," replied Klaus, uninterested. He changed the topic back to the mysterious figure. "But it seems to be moving to the right."

Violet looked at her brother. "We," she said, pointing at herself, and then Klaus. "No, you go to the beach."

Klaus was unsure what Violet meant. Then he commented on her odd speech; "It is all clear, because it just seems weird."

Violet frowned, and then realised that the mysterious figure was a friend of their parents, Mr Poe. However, neither she nor Klaus could remember what Mr Poe did for a living. They both asked him.  
>"What do you do?"<br>"What do you do?"  
>"Ada Yau!" Sunny chimed in.<br>Mr Poe was pleased that they were interested in his life. He took a performer-like bow. "Okay, thank you," he said.

Violet wasn't happy that Mr Poe was showing off, so she changed the topic to the weather. "It is a beautiful day," she said, forgetting how cloudy and misty it was.  
>"Yes, it was a beautiful day," replied Mr Poe, referring to earlier in the morning. He suddenly remembered why he was at Briny Beach. "I fear this is some bad news about him."<p>

Violet was about to ask who the "him" was, but Mr Poe continued; "My mother died in a terrible fire."  
>Klaus gasped. How awful for poor Mr Poe.<br>The man went on to explain the fire. "They destroyed the house that was killed in a terrible fire."  
>Again, Violet wanted to ask who "they" were, and why the <em>house<em> had been killed in the fire, but Mr Poe interrupted her again by leaning closer to them, as if he were coming to the worst part of his bad news.

He spoke in somewhat disjointed English; "I also tell my dear very, very sorry," he said sadly. "Hotel is the meaning of death."  
>Klaus was outraged. "We, the "dead" means!" he cried.<br>Klaus was trying to tell Mr Poe that the meaning of death wasn't "hotel", but that the Baudelaires were walking definitions of the word "dead".

Mr Poe rolled his eyes and went along with Klaus for the sake of it. "Fire, of course."

Then Mr Poe began talking about the fire again. "But it was too late. The whole house was burned in the fire. It burned to the ground. I came here to get it, and they understand everything."

Klaus wondered why Mr Poe came to the beach to get a house that had burned down in a fire. He and Violet glanced at each other, wondering if Mr Poe needed professional help.

Meanwhile, he continued. "While my home, where they will remain for some time. My mother is CEO of property. This a great destiny and where you have to cope with your child's math, that means. Violet's coming of age, your destiny will be, but it will take quite old bank. Come with me."  
>Mr Poe began to lead the Baudelaires off to his car, unaware of how confused he had made them.<p>

Violet wondered what Mr Poe meant when he said that his mother was the CEO of property. Hadn't he _just _told them that she was dead? Klaus wondered why they had to cope with their child's math. They didn't even _have _children, much less ones who had problems with math. And Sunny wondered why on earth Mr Poe was taking them to his car. The bad news was sad, certainly, but she didn't see why he had to take them away from home.

But none of the Baudelaires' questions were answered as Mr Poe drove off with them in silence.

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><p><strong>Thank you. Please tell me: was this a good idea?<strong>

**I know that pretty much nobody reads the ASOUE stories, but if you happen to have read it, please review it as well. **

**Please?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2!**

**Thank you for the reviews of the first chapter!**

**Please enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I am NOT Lemony Snicket! I am a girl!**

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><p><strong>The Bad Beginning According to Google Translate<strong>

**Chapter Two**

The next evening, at Mr Poe's house, it was announced the Baudelaires would leave to go to their new guardian's house. This was met with confusion, as Mr Poe had not yet explained why the Baudelaires had to leave home at all. Yesterday, on the beach, Mr Poe had told them that his mother's house had burned down, but mentioned nothing about the Baudelaires' own parents.

Mr Poe's children, however, were glad to see them go.

"Good," said Mr Poe's son, Albert. "Now we can go to your office again. I'm tired of the company's shares."

Indeed, Violet and Klaus had shared everything they owned with Mr Poe's sons, and the boys were now sick of it.

"Violet and Klaus to be depressed," continued Albert, intent on punishing the Baudelaires for sharing too much, "and not fun."

"And children uprooted," schemed Mr Poe's other boy, Edgar.

Violet couldn't work out what Edgar meant. Was he saying that they were going to be uprooted, and taken somewhere else?

"Where are we?" she asked, seeking clarification.

Edgar just yawned and picked his nose.

Mr Poe decided to tell the Baudelaires about their new home. He proceeded to do so in an odd way; "If you live in the other side of town, complete with one of your parents to take me. His name by Olaf. It also means chicken in action continues to increase, as far as possible, he said. Used in this city, and will be for us to remain within the boundaries of the municipality of Olaf, who is only relative."

This baffled the children for a few seconds, as they wondered what chickens had to do with legal guardians.

"But for us, our parents referred to as Olaf," Klaus finally said, telling Mr Poe that they had always called their parents 'Olaf' as opposed to 'Mom' or 'Dad'.

Violet nodded in agreement. It would be confusing to call both their parents _and_ their new guardian 'Olaf'.

"Of course, we know?" Klaus asked, unsure of what he was supposed to think.

Mr Poe ignored Klaus's uncertainty and told them how their new guardian was related to them. "He said, four times removed cousin of the third or fourth cousin of the third level. Pedigree close, but geographically closer. Why this-"

"He lives in the city, so I did not call her parents?" Violet interrupted, wanting her own mother and father.

"It is a very busy, it will be possible," said Mr Poe.

The Baudelaires finally understood. Their parents were busy, so they had to go and live with someone else for a while. However, Mr Poe had reassured them that it _was_ possible for them to see their parents again.

Mr Poe went on, describing this new 'Olaf' person. "He is an actor by profession, and his associates around the world."

Klaus was skeptical that this actor would have international connections.

"I think they had a falling out…" he said.

"Do you have room for an actor?" interrupted Mr Poe. Klaus thought for a moment. _Did_ they have room for an actor? It was hard to tell.

"Now I cut a small dinner is not to say," continued Mr Poe, "but if you pack up and go back to the banks and other companies. I love the new parents, and I am very busy,"

Violet agreed that Mr Poe was very busy, but she rather hoped that he would cut a _big_ dinner instead. She was hungry.

Mrs Poe looked jealously at her husband, as he'd admitted he loved the new parents, and not her. She frowned, and busied herself with packing for tomorrow. "Well, I'd better pack of three. Edgar, Albert, please help me clear the table."

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><p>The Baudelaires were packed by the next morning, and woke up ready to meet 'Olaf'.<p>

Mr Poe walked into the room.

"Rise and shine, Baudelaire," he said, seemingly addressing only one of them. "It's time to go to Count Olaf's!"

"We do not have any food today?" Violet asked spontaneously.

"Yes, you are," Mr Poe confirmed. "I shall guide you on the way to the bank, you should leave as soon as possible for us. Want to get dressed and get out of bed."

So, Klaus realised, this 'Olaf' must live at the bank. How interesting.

The Baudelaires got dressed, as instructed, and were soon out the door. Mr Poe took them in his car, to the bank where Olaf lived.

"Here's a new house," said Mr Poe. The children looked out the window and saw the mentioned house, next to Olaf's bank.

The two older Baudelaires opened their doors, and stepped out of the car. Violet stopped to pick up Sunny who (cringe) hasn't been mentioned since the last chapter.

They stood in front of the new house, comparing it with Count Olaf's bank next door. The new house looked like it would be a much better home than the bank, which was tall and square, with dark windows.

Just then, a woman opened the front door of the new house. She walked down the path, jumping and giggling. She stopped in front of them, singing a long, high note before speaking.

"Hi! It will be a son of Olaf conducted!" The woman spoke quickly, turned a cartwheel and then giggled again.

Violet backed away. She had heard somewhere that it was best to agree with crazy people.

"Yeah… we are…" she said carefully.

Mr Poe nudged her. She stuttered over an introduction.

"Violet Baudelaire, I am, and my brother was sunny and Santa."

Klaus glared at her. He disliked being called a sunny Santa.

"Baker gem death of parents, we have a system of Mr. Poe something," Violet blurted.

Klaus mouthed "_what?" _at her, but the woman just giggled some more. She whistled the first line of "Love is an Open Door" and then spoke again.

"Well, I was about side accident. My name is Justice Strauss,"

Klaus, surprised that her second sentence had made sense, commented, "It was the name of a rare first!"

Justice Strauss made a noise like an echidna, and then told Klaus; "That's not my name, my name. I work as a Supreme Court!" She grabbed his hands and began spinning in a circle.

Klaus was horrified and wrenched himself free, stepping right back behind Violet.

Violet was finding Justice Strauss's insanity very amusing, so she decided to try and surprise the woman further.

"You're married Ulfat count, and HIV!" she yelled.

Justice Strauss blinked.

"How surprised?" Violet was eager to know.

"I do not," said Justice Strauss, disappointing Violet. "You really do not know them very well. It's my neighbor."

"S!" said Sunny, which probably meant something like, "Your sentences make no sense to us!"

"Well, it's nice to complete," said Violet, wanting to get away from crazy Justice Strauss.

"Yes," replied the woman. She began to daydream about what would happen when her fairy godmother showed up. "Maybe one day they will come and help me with my answer!"

"This is too general…" said Violet.

The children and Mr Poe began to walk away from Justice Strauss and her house (which rhymes!) and over to the bank next door.

They walked up the path, which was made of gravel, and Mr Poe knocked on the door. The Baudelaires noticed a small eye logo on it.

It creaked open, and a skinny man peered out.

It was Count Olaf. He was the dirtiest person any of the children had ever seen. He wore a fraying suit, several centimetres too short, shoes without socks, and an eye tattoo (that matched the logo on the door) could be seen on his left ankle.

"HELLO HELLO HELLO," bellowed Count Olaf, without punctuation. "Hello, my children. For your new home, please wipe your feet of mud in the middle of."

The children took this to mean that they needed to wipe mud off their feet in the middle of the room. As they did so, they looked around to see what kind of place they would be living in.

Violet noticed how high the ceilings were. Klaus noticed the overall lack of colour. And Sunny realised that there was nothing interesting in the room. It was completely empty.

"It seems to need some work in this room," commented Mr Poe.

"I do not give my humble home as the Baudelaire mansion," said Count Olaf. "But maybe a little bit of money, you should understand that we can change slightly."

Mr Poe raised an eyebrow. Count Olaf seemed to be making sense so far. But he decided to clarify the rules of the Baudelaire fortune, just in case. "Baudelaire fortune cannot be used for any questions. In fact, it cannot be used for anything, including purple."

Count Olaf appeared to agree.

"So with. I have the same," he said, grinning.

He proceeded to thank Mr Poe. "To get them, here too, many thanks to Mr. Karate."

Mr Poe frowned as his name was spoken incorrectly.

"Children, now I will show you to your room," said Count Olaf, and began to lead them up a staircase.

Mr Poe walked away, purchasing something over eBay on his phone.

"Buying, Violet, Klaus, Sunny," he said out loud.

The children gasped. Mr Poe was buying them? Wasn't that illegal?

Mr Poe seemed to realise this, and changed the subject. "If you have any questions, you can always contact me on the bench, sometimes you may look like."

"You are not a bank, but I do not know…" said Klaus suspiciously.

"I have a map with the city," said Count Olaf unnecessarily. "Goodbye, Mr. Poe!"

And with that, Mr Poe left the children alone with Count Olaf.

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><p><strong>Please review my story!<strong>

**Please do!**

**You will make me so happy!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again!**

**I finally got around to translating all the dialogue!**

**Please enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Um... let me check... No, I still don't own A Series of Unfortunate Events. Or Google Translate, either, for that matter.**

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><p><strong>The Bad Beginning According to Google Translate<strong>

**Chapter 3**

Count Olaf stood next to the door, his one eyebrow wriggling. (Did I mention that he only has one eyebrow? Doesn't matter, you should know that already.)

He led the children up the stairs that led into a long corridor, with lots of doors. He opened one door, pushed the children in, and walked away without saying a word.

The three children sat down, and then looked around. Apart from a window and a Lego minifigure head, the room was empty. Violet sighed and shrugged her shoulders, then lay down on the floor and fell asleep. Sunny copied her.

Klaus was about to follow his sisters' lead, when he saw the minifigure's eyes on him. It grinned creepily. He threw it out the window.

Then he fell asleep too.

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><p>In the morning, the children woke up to hear Count Olaf pushing a note under their door. Then he skipped away, singing merrily to himself. They heard the front door slam.<p>

Violet stood up, read the note, and then gave it to Klaus to read as well.

The note said:

_Cook dinner for my troupe of 10 people._

As Violet wondered what they were going to make, Klaus told her confidently, "We know how to cook _anything_!"

"It is true," Violet replied. Then she began boasting about everything she could do. "I like parts of me, because, you know, how to fix the window and how to clean the chimney. But I can nothing but cook toast without."

"Sometimes burns toast," retorted Klaus grouchily.

"I wish you were here," said Violet "They did not go into this terrible place-"

"If you are _here_," interrupted Klaus, "we will not be in the first place with a number of Olaf. I do not like it here, Violet! I hate this house! I hate having all the functions, and Count Olaf..."

Klaus trailed off, and then shouted "I hate you!"

Violet hated Klaus as well. "I do not like," she said. "I do not like all of our lives Claus, but we must keep our heads."

Klaus sighed. Violet was speaking to her imaginary boyfriend again. His name was Claus, with a "C". Sometimes, though, it was hard to tell if she was talking to him or her brother. Klaus had tried many different tactics to prevent Violet from going off into Imaginary Boyfriend Land, but the best one was just to agree with her.

"You're right," he said. "But it's hard to keep your chin up to keep themselves when Count Olaf pushed down!"

"Jook!" said Sunny, confused.

Violet sighed and then began wondering about the dinner again. Klaus started brainstorming ways to find a cookbook: "_Maybe_ I should read a book about cooking and find the computer! It is not difficult to make a simple meal!"

Violet agreed. "I mean, I would not be surprised. We do not have books at home."

It was odd, for such a well-read family not to have any books at home, but it was true.

"I know," said Klaus "I remember a lot. We must go there in search of some early library."

"But it is not," said Violet, rejecting Klaus's plan. "Today we have to cook for ten people."

Suddenly, there came a knock on the door.

"I want to visit the world is Count Olaf?" wondered Violet, hoping for the entire world to be on the doorstep.

"Maybe someone wants to visit us," said Klaus. He didn't use a question mark.

Violet shrugged, and then picked up Sunny. The three children walked out of their bare room and down the stairs. They went to the front door. Klaus saw a small clock on the way, and noticed that it was only five in the morning. Violet opened the door, and with a shock, the children realised that Justice Strauss had come to visit them. However, it was so early in the morning that Justice Strauss seemed to be half asleep. She was wearing pajamas, and her hair hung in frizzy strands all over her face. Her eyes were half closed and she grinned sleepily.

Klaus's eyes widened at her scraggly appearance.

Justice Strauss looked confused. Why was Klaus so horrified?

"Justice Strauss!" scolded Violet. "He wants to see you _nice_!"

Justice Strauss realised that she probably didn't look so great at such an early hour, and apologised.

"Please forgive me for early stopping by. I wanted to see how your children reckoning, but the Supreme Court had a very difficult situation, and it takes up a lot of time."

"What was the situation?" asked Klaus, suddenly interested.

"Official cause I really cannot speak," said the judge apologetically. "But I can tell means a poisonous plant and illegal use of someone's credit card."

"Ieek to!" shouted Sunny.

Justice Strauss smirked. "Ieek? _Really_?" she said nastily.

Sunny scowled and bit Justice Strauss's hand. As the woman screamed in pain, Violet began fantasizing about her imaginary boyfriend again.

"It is, he means that you have love you. I give a bath to him, or you want to be too do not bite hard, I love you."

"I see..." said Justice Strauss, wrinkling her nose. Then she began to try and be cool. "Well, how's going on man? Do you have what you want?"

"I might be able to borrow a book?" asked Klaus uncertainly. "Troupe of Olaf is counted issued a directive in order to make tonight's dinner for us, we anywhere never find a book at home cooking."

After deciphering Klaus's odd phrasing, Justice Strauss laughed. She was pleased that Olaf was forcing the children to make dinner.

"Good!" she said meanly. "It seems like a lot to ask the children to eat for the entire theater community."

"Olaf count given a lot of responsibility on us," said Violet.

"Well, why I cannot find the book to be happy you came to my house next door cuisine," said Justice Strauss.

Violet and Klaus noticed that Justice Strauss said something about "my house" and "next door". So as she turned to go, the three Baudelaires followed her silently out of Olaf's bank, back to her new house.

They followed her right into her library.

"My word! It is a great library!" shouted Violet, scaring the wits out of Justice Strauss.

"Thank you very much," said Justice Strauss, after a minor heart attack. "I have all the books for years, and I am very proud of my collection. As long as you keep it in good condition, you can use it any time you're in one of my books. Well, cooking books here I crossed the east wall. We do not want you to see?"

"I do not care if-" said Violet, and then interrupted herself. "Yes, then, I should like to see a book on mechanical engineering, what is my major interest framing."

"And I want to see Bookworm!" said Klaus, and then imitated an advertisement he'd heard on television. "Latest K. material admiring the wildlife of North America."

"Reservations!" shouted Sunny.

The judge smiled at the little baby. "I'm glad to see a young person you are interested in this. However, first we will find that you have a good recipe for a better you?"

So, the Baudelaires began looking for a recipe. After a while, Sunny got bored of looking at books she couldn't read, and started yelling at Violet. Violet yelled back. For five minutes, the argument got louder and louder, until Klaus got their attention.

"Please listen to this," he yelled. "Puttanesca!"

The two girls were confused, so Klaus went on the explain what the word meant. "This is the origin of Italian pasta. Together in a pot, sauté the need to do olives, capers, anchovies, garlic, chopped parsley, tomatoes, spaghetti and prepare to go to!"

He smiled, hoping for praise.

Violet scoffed, and then turned to Justice Strauss. "It sounds simple!" she said, pointing at her brother.

Klaus didn't like being called simple, and soon he and his older sister were engaged in a karate match.

Sunny sighed and began looking at the pictures in the cookbook. It was going to be a long day.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Please review! I don't care how small or irrelevant the review is, just as long as it lets me know you read the story.<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi again!**

**Sorry, It's been a while (again), but this chapter had a lot of speech, so it took forever.**

**By the way, thanks to everyone who reviews, because with every review comes a moment of "YAY! THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO READ MY (fairly strange) WRITING AND ENJOY IT!"**

**So anyway, enjoy.**

**Oh, of course, disclaimer: I don't own it. I promise.**

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><p><strong>The Bad Beginning According to Google Translate<strong>

**Chapter 4**

Later in the afternoon, when Violet and Klaus had finally stopped fighting, the Baudelaires left Justice Strauss's house with the puttanesca recipe. On the way out, Violet thanked the loopy woman.

"Thank you for helping us today." The judge smiled, then produced a large toy truck out of her pocket. She dropped to the floor and began to play with it, complete with sound affects.

Violet rolled her eyes, and then spoke to her "boyfriend" again. "I do not know what I would do without you," she gushed.

Suddenly, Justice Strauss looked up again. "It looks very smart people," she said, pointing at some passers-by. She proceeded to call out to them; "I dare say that you could think of something!"

The citizens looked worriedly at her, and walked a bit faster. Justice Strauss giggled, and then began wondering about one of her cases at the court. "But still it seemed odd that Last Graf was asked to prepare a big meal like that..."

She thought for a moment, and then continued wondering. "We are _here;_ I must go and bring your own food." She turned to Violet. "I hope you will soon be over and borrowed the book from my library."

"The future?" asked Klaus suddenly. "We can come back tomorrow?"

"I do not see why not..." said Justice Strauss, smiling sweetly.

"I can not tell you how much we appreciate it," Violet said carelessly, "in the morning before the new library."

Justice Strauss nodded at Violet, but then frowned, remembering all the homework she had been given. Just because she didn't go to school anymore didn't mean the High Court let her off her homework. She pulled the papers out of her pocket, and showed them to Violet.

"Klaus will be more than happy to do the homework for you," the girl said, volunteering her brother. Klaus scowled.

Violet looked up at the sky. "The sun is old enough to work!" she exclaimed, and then returned to the subject of homework. "But I'm sure we can find out how you can help!"

"This is not necessary," said the judge, though neither she nor Violet knew what she was referring to. "You are always welcome in my house."

Violet nodded, confused, and then led her siblings back to Olaf's bank. The found him leaning against a wall, shouting angrily into a phone.

"Orphans!? _When_ the orphans!?" Olaf gave the children a quick wave of the hand, telling them to leave. Violet wondered who the orphans were that he was talking about.

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><p>A while later, the Baudelaires had finished dinner, and were now attempting to wash up. It was silent, until Klaus suddenly figured out what he'd been puzzling on for a while.<p>

"In the kitchen of Olaf, we had just eaten dinner!" he exclaimed.

Violet looked at her brother pityingly. For all the books he read, Klaus wasn't the smartest person around.

Suddenly, Count Olaf walked into the room, still on the phone.

"You should have a team behind me, and they are very hungry! The flip side?" he scoffed.

Violet tapped him on the shoulder. "We just fried Puttanesca sauce," she said. Olaf nodded, smiling, and then went back to his phone argument. "What? And roast beef?"

"You have said that you wanted roast?" asked Klaus.

The Count put a finger to his lips, not wanting to be interrupted. He shouted into the phone; "When you agree to participate, I have become your father, and as a parent I am not someone to play with! Demands associated with serving roast beef for me and my guests!"

Violet smiled at the sight of the angry man. "I do not know!" she said, grinning. "The sauce Puttanesca!" All three Baudelaires burst into laughter as if this was the funniest thing they'd ever heard.

"No! Not! Not!" Sunny shrieked, squirming around hysterically.

"Take away the beast!" cried Klaus, making the children laugh even harder.

Suddenly they heard a voice

"Olaf! Where's Olaf?"

A woman appeared in the doorway, accompanied by another woman, a bald man, a man with hooks for hands, and a very, very fat person. The three children decided that these must be Count Olaf's employees who worked at his bank.

"Here, Olaf," said the woman, handing him a sheaf of papers. "What are on earth?" she asked, pointing at one of the articles. It was about some bratty rich kids.

"I put them correct," said Olaf dismissively. He then continued yelling at the phone. "I asked him to dinner, and they all have something to strive sauce!"

The hook-handed man tapped Olaf on the shoulder, pointing to the article in the papers. "You can easily go for the kids. They should be taught to obey their elders."

"The kids are so rich that you have to say about me?" chimed the bald man.

"Yes. It 's so sick, can barely stand to touch them," said Olaf. The Baudelaires gathered that Count Olaf and his employees had come in contact with these annoying children, and had written an article about them.

"I do not blame you," said an employee.

The kitchen was silent for a moment as everyone tried to decide what to say next. Count Olaf cleared his throat and clapped his hands.

"Well, talk a lot," he said.

Immediately everyone began chattering in loud voices, saying the first things that popped into their heads.

"We will probably have dinner, even if it all wrong."

"Everyone, follow the dining room and we pour a little wine!"

"Maybe once the brats we meet-"

"We are too drunk!"

"-if roast beef or can not take care of."

"Hooray!"

"You have a beautiful!"

"If I were you, I would not try anger Count Olaf, or it could ruin the pretty little face."

Everyone stopped spouting nonsense, and stared at the last speaker. Then they all burst into laughter. Count Olaf was the nicest person ever! He wouldn't be ruining any pretty faces any time soon!

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><p>People continued talking for a while, speaking the most random sentences ever, when suddenly all the lights turned out. The bunch of bank workers all fell silent, and somebody screamed. Then Count Olaf volunteered to go and try to find the problem. Everyone agreed nervously, hoping nothing bad would happen. However, five minutes later, the Count had not returned.<p>

"This is terrible, terrible!" yelled Klaus, unable to find any synonyms. "Violet, what can we do?"

"I do not know. I'm scared," the eldest Baudelaire replied.

"And me," said Klaus.

"Hux!" shouted Sunny, apparently agreeing.

"We have something to eat?" suggested an employee. Everyone shook their heads. It was hard to eat at such a scary time.

"We will better serve the puttanesca or who knows what Count Olaf will do for us!" said Klaus, teeth chattering.

Violet raised an eyebrow. She had come to understand that Klaus often said weird, unintelligible sentences in times of stress. After the mutterings began, he usually got more and more angry until someone got injured or something got broken. Violet hoped it wouldn't happen now, and smiled at him nervously.

Then suddenly Olaf walked through the door again, telling everyone the reason for the blackout. "Because not yet been cleaned, you can probably get rid of tracking performance tonight."

All the employees agreed that those electrical wires could be very troublesome when they weren't cleaned.

"But after cleaning, you should just go to bed!" continued the Count. Unfortunately, by this time, Klaus had gotten so worked up that he was now in the "anger" phase of a breakdown.

"You mean our bed! Provide us with a bed!" he hollered. Violet tried to shush him, but it was no use.

Count Olaf was concerned. He looked questioningly at Violet, who cringed and mouthed '_sorry'._

"If you want a different bed, tomorrow you can go into town and buy one...?" the Count suggested warily.

"We did not pay, you know!" yelled the boy.

"Of course you do!" said Olaf, nervously agreeing. Then, reading over his newspaper again, he commented "They are the heirs of a great fortune."

"That money will not be used until Violet is old!" shouted Klaus, intent on controlling someone else's money. He glared at Count Olaf, and then slapped him hard. Everyone gasped, and began sneaking out the door.

"Come on, guys," said Count Olaf to his troupe, backing away, "You come too late for our own performance..."

Everyone who was still present quickly agreed to this excuse and left the room hurriedly. The Baudelaires, now alone, were left sitting at the table. Violet sighed, then flicked her brother on the head. Klaus always ruined _everything_.

Klaus hunched over, refusing to look at his fuming sister.

* * *

><p>So, as the bank workers had odd, nonsensical conversations outside-<p>

"If you know, Olaf?"

"A way to get the money Baudelaire find!"

"We'll see!"

-the Baudelaires slowly drifted off to sleep at the kitchen table, angry, ashamed and indifferent about the events of that day.

* * *

><p><strong>Finally! Whew!<strong>

**Sorry, that was _really_ long and tedious. It was also really confusing. Sorry if you lost track of what happened, I did too.**

**Anyway, _please review_. PLEASE. ****Even if you just say something like "I read this chapter" or "You are WEIRD" or "UNICORNS!", _anything_ is better than nothing.**

**And for those accountless people who don't know; you can still review without an account.**

**So PLEASE REVIEW.**

**Gracias!**


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